I’m starting to notice something consistent with News 9’s internal marketing campaigns – an unwavering commitment to boredom!
Last week, News 9 unveiled a “new and improved” helicopter that the station will now use to chase thunderstorms and wildfires, profile protestors, and cover sex toy spills on I-40!
Meet Jude N’ Jody (and Sons) Super Sky News 9!
Okay, I lied. Sadly, Jude N’ Jody (and Sons) have joined Larry Evans and the Directions in Furniture actors in the OKC Defunct Furniture Empire Hall-of-Fame. The chopper – along with Channel 9’s fleet of hot air balloons – is still sponsored by Bob Mills.
Anyway, the fancy new Bob Mills Sky News 9 apparently replaces the one Jim Gardner totaled back in April 2023 when he flew straight into a giant hail storm. If you remember correctly, he wasn’t too goddamn happy about that situation.
Obviously impressed with their new tax write-off, News 9 decided to hype the chopper to their online viewers and followers.
Instead of doing something cool, like sharing AI-generated pics of Jim Gardner firing scud missiles from the chopper into a wall cloud – because you know 'they' control the weather now – News 9 took the far less thrilling route.
Similar to the snooze-worthy new set teaser from September, they spammed their follower's timelines with random "fun facts" about the chopper that mean nothing to the average news viewer.
For example:
Yep, that’s right. The Bell 505 is 35.9 feet long, 11.4 feet high, and has a rotor diameter of 35 feet. Wowzers! Although I – like 99.998% of other humans – have no clue what that means in relation to helicopters, and it won't affect which channel I watch for local news, I guess that’s good to know.
But what I really want to know is how much weight this news helicopter can carry:
Good news, ranchers! If your cow gets stuck in a frozen pond, Jim Gardner’s got the payload capacity to airlift it out.
Although I’m not exactly sure why we need to know or should even care about the takeoff weight of a news helicopter, what I really want to know is when this cutting-edge chopper was first unveiled to the public:
Wait, this thing came out in 2013. That's the same year as the iPhone 5! In tech years, that makes it, what, like 77 years old?
Oh well, at least it can handle all sorts of weather, which considering it will primarily be used to follow and track weather, is a good thing:
Sure, saying a weather-tracking helicopter can handle all sorts of weather is like saying a snowmobile can handle all sorts of snow, but I guess that’s good to know.
What’s also good to know is Jim Gardner can now apparently fly through hailstorms without needing to drop the chopper off at Safelite the next day.
I’ve covered more of these boring slides than I wanted to, but I do have a serious question to ask – is everything okay in the News 9 Marketing Department?
As I mentioned in my write-up about their new set teaser campaign, I’ve been tasked with marketing some boring things in my life, but this effort is just sad.
At the very least, send Robin Marsh out to the chopper to show everyone her makeup routine! That will get more attention and eyeballs than boring stats that no one can relate to!
It makes me wonder if this sad campaign is nothing more than a cry for help from the News 9 marketing team! Are they okay? Is Dean Blevins mistreating them? If so, just post a stat about how many gallons of fuel the chopper holds, and we’ll launch a rescue mission immediately.
Stay with The Lost Ogle. We'll keep you advised.
